Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe