i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
There’s only one good girl here!
Pee pressure > peer pressure
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.