Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”