No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.