Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]