Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
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“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.