{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again