I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
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Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My daily affirmation
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Stick it to the man
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.