Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.