me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything