My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.