THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos