That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I only treason on days ending in y
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.