Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues