5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks