Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Banderslack Clamberdorch
😏😏😏
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Feels like the fourth month in January
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating