“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
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very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!