It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
RT if you could go either way.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.