Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
You Might Also Like
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought