WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Hank is one in a melon.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!