Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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lol
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski