[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
You Might Also Like
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
i love modern commerce
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
real
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
me as a parent
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir