This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
how long have you had this for?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad