I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I would like even faster food.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I need this for my side hustle.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”