Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.