*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
You Might Also Like
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
🤣🤣🤣
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.