Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
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Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
bro what is going on at twitter
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Still a very good boi….
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.