TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough