[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER