Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Perfect
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
*cough*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me trying to reach for my goals
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.