Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.