Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
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We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
that de-escalated quickly
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
A huge thanks to the person that did this
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.