Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there