Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
look at me when i’m typing to you
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.