Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.