accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Just say no
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza