I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
cyclists
This is my brand.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
An odd boast
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.