People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.