I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!