Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
You Might Also Like
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
We found love in a hopeless place.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Storm Tropical Storm
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.