Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
You Might Also Like
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 馃檪
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 馃檪
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I鈥檓 like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
馃檨
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I鈥檝e also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 馃槼
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 馃槝
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don鈥檛 you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I鈥檒l always have sunglasses.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour