I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –