All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
and this one
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time