Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You Might Also Like
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW