Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid