Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”