One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
My Sentiments Exactly
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.