Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
You Might Also Like
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one