I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
A short story of betrayal:
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.