Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
jesus christ confetti not now
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.